Where did you take your first breath?
I was born in London. Even though I have spent much of my adult life living in other places, London always feels like home. Memories from the first few years of my life come from here - red double decker buses, corner shops, the sounds and smells of London Zoo. It was the place and time in my life when many members of both sides of my family lived near each other, I was surrounded by extended family, even though I was the first person in my family to be born in this country. I feel lucky to have this early memory of belonging and of being surrounded by my family. We all share this longing to feel part of our family system. This isn’t the same as never wanting to leave your family, but we are born needing to feel part of a larger community, to feel connected to our tribe and walk on the lands that they have walked on.
We are all connected to our place of birth, where we took our first breath. It might be that your parents and everyone behind them also took their first breath there and your family has lived on the same land for many hundreds of years. Or that you were born in the land of your ancestors but now live in another country. Or maybe you are the first in your family born on the land you were born on, adding another layer of belonging distinct from your parents’. Birthplaces and the countries they are found in, have a place in our family systems.
It was often the case that people migrated following a loss or tragedy, because of war or persecution or because they love their homeland, but cannot create a life that will support them and their families. The bond to the country of origin doesn’t break when we leave, but it may have to be buried in order for the family to survive. Then the country becomes excluded, it is not talked about or grieved. Customs and culture are sacrificed in order to belong in the new country and children are born speaking other languages, following different religious and cultural practices. This was and is an important way for families to survive. But our sense of belonging is deeply tied to the land that we are born into an to the land or lands of our ancestors. By excluding a country, leaving it and all its culture and customs behind, has an impact that ripples through generations. Dynamics such as colonialism, war, apartheid, dictatorships also play out through the family system.
Countries that are part of our family history are part of us. When a country is excluded, it is like rejecting a part of our family and ourselves. I have seen countries represented in constellations. They may be small and traumatised, open and welcoming, angry, shut down, solid. It may be that a person feels no strong connection to their country of origin, but are struggling to thrive abroad. A constellation can show that under the surface, there is a longing for their place of birth and a feeling of belonging there that is much deeper than they are consciously aware of. Or this may show up more strongly in the children or grandchildren of emigres - not feeling at home in the country they are born into, not being able to fully settle, feeling drawn to live abroad. It is not so much about where we live (although it can be important) but acknowledging these excluded countries are part of our systems, to bring balance back to the family system.
